You are too intense.
You are too passionate. (This one really confuses me and raises my eyebrow.)
You are too rigid.
You are too loud/bold.
You are too scheduled.
You are too opinionated.
You are weird.
You are just too much.
and the list can go on and on. Anyone else relate?
I allowed all of the times people said these types of things to me to influence my thinking, personality, behavior, and most of my choices. The result was me being unhappy in my own skin, feeling like a fake and a liar, just overall being miserable. Broken. Rejected. Feeling unworthy and like something was wrong with me. Why didn't I fit in anywhere??? Was I supposed to even be here????
Sigh......... I'm nearly 49 and I'm just starting to figure out a lot of stuff. I spend a lot of time at home and "keeping to myself" because of the thoughts I mentioned above. It became too much to try to be someone I wasn't and fit into all the different molds people wanted me to morph into while facing rejection after rejection. Staying home was easier.
This is hard post for me to write. I'm still wrestling, internally and emotionally, with all of this. I'm trying to discover who I really am and HOW I am, not the version that the world wants. I'm learning to like, love and accept myself as I am, then work on the parts that truly need changing. It will surprise a lot of people when they learn that what they think I need to work on is not what God says I need to change.
I think I want what everyone else wants; To be loved, accepted, appreciated and valued for who I am and what I bring to the proverbial table. Just because my gifts, talents and skills are different than yours doesn't make them less valuable or less needed in this world. It might shock some to know that God made me the way I am and has a specific purpose for me on Earth. I most definitely have to develop my gifts, answer the call, waiting to be anointed and appointed but if I fail to do that because of what others say about me or want me to be, then I'm in the wrong and I'm the only one responsible for that failure. I don't answer to the rest of the world. See, I was not put here on Earth to fulfill YOUR plans for my life, your idea of ministry, your goals, your dreams or your purpose. I may, at some point, have a part to play in the purpose of someone else's life but I have my own unique purpose as well. I'm not a tool or accessory to your life.
I'm struggling with a lot of this right now. I'm frustrated and angry that I allowed so many people to shape me and form this false persona that is hard to shed. It is proving to be really hard to get all of this wrong, faulty thinking out of my head and forge forward to be who God meant me to be and do what I know I should be doing and stop being concerned with the opinions, thoughts and feelings of others who might think I'm "weird". I'd never set out to purposely hurt someone's feelings but people often choose to be put off by my passion, intensity, organizational skills, etc.. They wish to silence me or at least tame it for their comfort. I'm learning that their discomfort with my calling is not my concern. If I'm wrong about it, then that's on ME. It's really becoming quite exhausting trying to fit into all of these molds that others want me to pour myself into and out of for their comfort or preference.
God didn't intend for us all to be just alike, that would be incredibly boring!
So, if you are one of those people who have thought at times that I'm too loud, well that's your issue not mine. Sometimes, being loud is how you get heard. I am actually fairly quiet until I get the opportunity to speak about something important and meaningful. You might want to listen sometime, it might just make a difference in your life.
If you have thought, or said to me that I'm too passionate or too intense.. again, it's your issue not mine. Jesus had immense passion for what He was doing here on Earth. So do I. I'm just being like Christ (or at least trying!) So, if you have a problem with my passion and intensity, take up with my Creator. #truth #nufsaid
Too rigid??? Well, I'm going to sound like a broken record, but that's your problem, not mine. I'm the one who has to live in the chaos that ensues if I choose to be irresponsible and not have routines in my busy life. There is nothing wrong with having structure and order in your life. It's called A-D-U-L-T-I-N-G. I think we have enough immature, irresponsible adults out there, don't you???
Too scheduled?? I'm gonna ask a tough question.. What concern is it of yours? How does that effect your day to day life?? See above about rigidity. I have a lot to keep track of so I choose to be responsible so I can get done what needs to be done.
Too Opinionated???? This is an interesting one for me. I think people often confuse my opinions with what I know the Bible says about what is RIGHT. There is a difference. Do you know what it is? I do. I have opinions about how to raise children, but I also have what I know is RIGHT about raising kids. If you don't agree, take it up with God. I'll also add that I know my own mind on a lot of things. I am not very often wishy-washy or at odds with myself. I have been called a "know it all" and asked "Must be awesome to be right all the time, huh Lori?" I think I'm right about how I am supposed to live MY life and raise my children and conduct my affairs. What you do with yours is not my business unless it inflicts harm on me or mine; Then, and only then, will I have a problem with how you choose to live your life. So, I don't think I'm right all the time or know everything, but I am the mom that was given these kids, this life to live and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing (I'm definitely working at figuring it out) Isn't that part of what being a Proverbs 31 woman is about???? Why should I make myself appear to be less to make you comfortable where you are? Rise to the occasion!! Why should I hide my gifts, talents, and skills so you can feel better about you??? Why should ANYONE do that???
How you feel about yourself is your responsibility, not mine.
I think that the majority of the time people are criticizing traits they see in others it is one of two things:
1.) They see something in the other person they don't like. They realize how awful/bad/annoying/disruptive/toxic it is and now they are in conflict with themselves but they "attack" the other person instead of dealing with their own issues.
2.) They wish they had whatever quality this other person has and they are jealous/uncomfortable/envious of the other person. They are miserable because they haven't discovered their own unique talents, gifts and skills so they want to bring others down with them. Comparison is the thief of joy!
That's why I repeated myself so often above. Your issues with me, unless I've done something completely heinous, awful, hurtful, wrong, are YOUR issues, not mine. You need to deal with your own "demons" instead of creating more for others.
I was created with a beautiful mind. One that thinks in excess and overanalyzes nearly everything. This can be good and bad, but I cannot count the number of times that the way my brain works SAVED me from making a huge mistake or kept my kids safe. I also pay a lot of attention to my gut, or intuition, better known as the Holy Spirit. I don't know more, I SEE more. My brain looks at things differently and it takes in a lot more information than I'd like sometimes. I don't consider myself a genius, or anything like that, but I do know that they way my brain works is, most of the time, a strength and I'm learning to recognize when I am allowing it to be excuse or a weakness.
The way your brain works is amazing too! The trick is to develop your mind, your skills, yourself.. to be the best version of you that you can be! You will find the people who will love you the way you are, seeing your unique style and personality as a gift to the world! Until then, know that God loves you just as you are! He wants to help you become all He meant you to be if you will just ask and let Him guide you to the right resources, plus be willing to work on healing your past hurts and learning from them. Don't let others decide your life for you; Take the time to figure it out with God as your guide and the Holy Spirit as your Helper.